CONDITIONAL EXISTENCE
Available September 8, 2026
BERLYN
Author.
Professional overthinker.
I ask a lot of questions.Welcome to the investigation.I'm glad you're here.
HI, I'M BERLYN
I write because I have a hard time letting go of a question once it gets into my head. I usually end up with more questions.If my work inspires anything, I hope it's curiosity.I spend my time with my husband and our dogs, taking pictures of tiny things, or accidentally researching something that started with a completely innocent Google search and has now consumed my life.I'm currently on hobby number 14,002.
Conditional Existence
A Collection of Little Backstories and the Footnotes They Left Behind
Most people wonder why they became who they are.I wanted to know when.Conditional Existence is a memoir told like an investigation. Twenty-five ordinary memories become pieces of evidence, each uncovering the invisible rules they left behind. Along the way, those rules are questioned, challenged, and sometimes completely rewritten.It's a book about curiosity, and the surprising ways small moments shape an entire life.Available in Paperback and Kindle.
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After the book is released, I'll start sending the evidence that didn't make it into the book, including:*Bonus backstories
*The book playlist
*Photos from the stories
*Behind-the-scenes notes
*Other pieces of the investigation that never made it into printI promise not to be annoying.
Contact
For publishing inquiries:
[email protected]For author correspondence:
[email protected]
Thank you
I will get back to you soon!I hope you find the answers
you're looking for.
The Playlist
Every chapter in Conditional Existence has a song.These 26 songs follow the book in order, one song for each chapter.
Consider it the soundtrack to the investigation.
Check out the Playlist on SPOTIFY or YouTube
01 - EVERY LIGHT IN THE HOUSE by Trace AdkinsI grew up listening to country music. When I was around six, I would listen to this song on repeat. A song about longing for someone to come home. Capturing the feeling of missing someone who belongs with you but isn't there.
02 - I THINK ABOUT YOU by Collin RayeThere’s only two songs that remind me of my mom, and they both make me cry. This is one of them. This song reflects the instinct to watch over the people you love and always wonder whether they're okay.
03 - THE SIGN by Ace of BaseMy stepmom introduced me to a lot of cool music, including Ace of Base. I would listen to this song on repeat. A reminder that the small warnings and lessons we grow up hearing often become the signs we carry into adulthood.
04 - TIME MARCHES ON by Tracy LawrenceMost country songs make me sad but this one feels more like a hug. A song about time moving forward no matter how badly you wish it would slow down.
05 - YOU LEARN by Alanis MorrissetteAnother artist that my stepmom had me falling in love with. A fitting soundtrack to learning difficult lessons about faith, fear, and growing up.
06 - MMMBOP by HansonThis song has been my number one most played song on Spotify too many times to count. A snapshot of childhood innocence that contrasts with the anxiety quietly growing beneath it.
07 - THE WAY by FastballFastball was the first concert I went to which included Goo Goo Dolls and Sugar Ray. I was obsessed with this song. A song filled with unanswered questions, enjoyed by a child who spent a lot of time trying to invent explanations.
08 - UNPRETTY by TLCI don’t have the words to describe how this song made me feel. A song that captures the insecurity, confusion, and emotional weight of growing up and trying to fit in.
09 - BENT by Matchbox TwentyI think I developed a weird accent because of the amount of time I listened to Matchbox Twenty. A gentle reminder that someone can be hurting without needing to be fixed.
10 - THE MIDDLE by Jimmy Eat WorldJimmy Eat World opened my taste in music and my mind. Welcome to the emo phase. The reassurance I wish someone had given me when every mistake felt like the end of the world.
11 - MUTT by blink 182This one still hurts. It’s hard to listen to my old favorite band without feeling ashamed of the lies I used them in. I did end up getting a tattoo of this song, though. A perfect reflection of teenage identity, loneliness, and desperately wanting people to notice you.
12 - WHO KNEW by P!nkI thought Billie would be one of those people I would know forever. This song captures the disbelief of losing a friend too soon and wishing you could call them one more time, while holding onto all the ridiculous memories you made together.
13 - FALLING SLOWLY by Glen Hansard & Markéta IrglováMy grandma thought this song was beautiful when she heard it being sang on Once. It’s one of my favorite songs in the world. A quiet song about hope, searching, and believing that what you're looking for is still out there.
14 - NIGHTCALL by KavinskyA late-night atmosphere that mirrors a relationship built on secrecy and what-ifs. I wish I knew how many times I've listened to this song.
15 - HRSA by Blue OctoberI met the singer of Blue October during my first year of recovery from my eating disorder. I told him this was my favorite song by them and as we walked away he stared singing it to me. It’s not the tattooed lyric I ended up asking for, but it is a raw reflection of self-destruction and the exhausting battle with yourself.
16 - ALRIGHT by Kendrick LamarNothing will ever come close to the feeling I got when I heard Kendrick Lamar play this at Bonnaroo. A moment where, for the first time in a long time, hope felt louder than fear.
17 - THE WORLD AT LARGE by Modest MouseModest Mouse means more to me than all the other bands. They’ve always been special. A song about wandering through the world trying to find the right place, only to find the same thing everywhere you go.
18 - SEARCHLIGHT by HermitudeThe introduction to EDM. The soundtrack to chasing excitement, reinvention, and the next place that might finally feel right. Looking for a change.
19 - XO / THE HOST by The WeekndI once told my husband that The Weeknd makes music for sad strippers. I think there’s a lot more people on that list, and his music makes me sad now. Because I used to be able to relate to it. A haunting reflection of loneliness, hopelessness, and reaching the darkest point of the investigation.
20 - LIMELIGHT NGHTMRE REMIXThis one seriously could’ve been written about my relationship. I played it at my wedding, and the “tell me that one day I'm gonna' be your queen" part hit different that day. A song about loving someone in secret while desperately wanting the world to know you belong together.
21 - SKIPPING LIKE A STONE by The Chemical BrothersThis song makes me feel all kinds of ways. I’ve always wanted to create places for people and animals who needed somewhere to belong. This song feels like showing up for someone when they feel alone and reminding them there might still be somewhere to go.
22 - SORRY, MY DEAR by Hobo JohnsonThere’s something painfully familiar about choosing to stay alive even when part of you is exhausted by living. This song reminds me that grief doesn’t end when someone dies; the people left behind still have to figure out how to keep going.
23 - LEFT ALONE Ta-ku Remix ft. Chet FakerThis song still gets put on repeat every time I hear it. A heartbreaking reminder that sometimes you just want to be left alone.
24 - MESSES OF MEN by mewithoutYouI listened to this song on repeat for days. This song sent me down a spiral that inspired the entire book. The very song that helped me realize my thoughts weren't evidence and ultimately found its way into the chapter itself.
25 - SOMETHING ABOUT YOU Odesza RemixThis song was playing when I realized I was in love with Michael. I remember listening to it and suddenly understanding there was something about him I didn’t want to imagine my life without.
26 - FREAKS & GEEKS by Oliver TreeThe song that best represents finally embracing the person I spent the entire book trying to understand.Rest easy, Oliver Tree.